Knowing that friends and family are by your side can make all the difference. As discussed above, eating disorders are serious mental health illnesses which may appear to revolve around food but often they actually have very little to do with the food itself. But what is it that you can say that will help? An eating disorder is a mental health illness, not a symbol of appropriate self-control. Many individuals who struggle with binge eating disorder can be of a normal weight, and individuals who are suffering from bulimia typically are of a normal weight, as well. And it is okay to take a day off from school/college/work to take care of your body and mind. Don't let anyone forget. Don't ask how eating is going all the time. Hearing from someone that you're worth more than the hell you're going through gives that little sparkle of hope that can help someone through a hard time. But here’s a way to understand a little better: Imagine saying to a cocaine addict, “you need to never do cocaine again.” And then putting a giant pile of cocaine right under their nose. And sometimes, they just need someone to tell them that it's okay to sit down and relax, that nothing will happen to them/their body if they take a day off in bed. The mental processes around eating disorders are extremely complicated to understand if you’re not in it. And say this beforehand. They might think: "I want to get better but just do not want to gain weight." You put your heart and soul in trying to eat again and it takes the life out of you. "You're worth more than your eating disorder." Learn about eating disorders. These disorders are very complex, and this post does not take into account the unique circumstances for every individual. Someone in recovery might feel unstable and alone. ", "You're worth more than your eating disorder. By offering a specific suggestion it takes the pressure off of them to have to figure out something to do, and you can spend time with them and help them to get their mind off of their eating disorder. This can send your loved one into a downward spiral. Every little bit we do can and will help. However, giving a compliment about hair, shoes or maybe even their make-up can boost confidence and make the other feel better about themselves. Something that's often forgotten and overlooked, is that the person suffering and the eating disorder are two separate things. Some … It will take time, tears and more time to recover. If you ask a question such as: Can’t you just eat this dinner?, the answer you receive will likely be no, and the conversation abruptly stops. Instead, focus on being more supportive going forward. Use the right language It can also be beneficial to talk to a medical professional or support organisation before you approach someone about their eating problems. Never say these 14 things to someone who may have an eating disorder.” username=”stephanieziajka”] 1. They are not by an means a lifestyle choice. With the support of family and friends, chances of a full recovery are so much bigger than without that essential support. "But... you're eating well, so you're doing better, right?" It’s awkward on both ends, I’m sure. Bake a cake together, invite them 'round for tea. There's the everlasting fear that people find the constant "whining" about food/body image will scare them off. As I've said before, and I won't stop saying it; recovery is difficult, it's tiring and stressful. A fantastic person, that is. Compliments are difficult to receive due to this devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear that everyone is lying. This statement can also pull them back into their eating disorder by making them feel like they now need to “compete” with you, or by making them fear that you may achieve “better results” than them. Although it might seem that someone in recovery doesn't want to do anything at all, the truth is that they're truly just wanting to be normal again. Because company, cake and tea sounds like a delicious and amazing combination. Everyone likes to get a compliment every now and then, but avoid saying "you look healthy/good" because this could be heard as "you look bigger" in the ears of someone in the early stages of recovery. I am concerned for you. Reassure and find distractions together. Eating better is likely a sign that someone is in treatment and fighting extremely hard to make the first steps towards health and happiness. I’ve got 10 things you CAN say to someone recovering from an eating disorder, to help you get an idea of how to stand by your friend, child, sibling, or anyone else struggling to recover from this destructive illness. Theres a good chance your loved one may deny having an eating disorder or become angry and defensive. 5 Things You Should Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder: “I know this is difficult, but I am proud of you.” Here at Center for Discovery you will often hear the phrase “validate, validate, validate” being spoken throughout our … But for someone in recovery, they're likely still in the mindset of having to do everything and more. Below is a list (with explanations) about what to say, or what not say, to a person with an eating disorder: – Do not ask yes/no-questions. They will probably have good days and bad days. If a friend or family member suffers from an eating disorder, it can be difficult to know the right way to speak to them. Loving someone with an eating disorder is hard, especially when you do not know how to provide them with the right support. Know they need support. The answer you receive might also be yes, but be a lie. Let them know that they're not, let them know that they're loved and cared about. The answer is in some ways quite simple; reassurance and love are the two dominating factors when it comes to helping anyone with mental health issues. If you do bake a cake and you want a slice, offer them some as well. ", "I might not understand, but if you need someone to talk to, I will help as much as I can. It'll get better, it just takes time. 1. As a therapist, you know that what you say might not always be what is heard. Be an ally in this extraordinary fight against a dark corner of someone's mind. “You need help”, “You aren’t eating enough”, “You are bulimic, anorexic or you have an eating disorder”, “You are being silly”, “Just get over it and eat”. Find out more here. An eating disorder is about so much more than food. Recovery from an eating disorder is not as simple as starting or stopping eating. Wrong. Yes, it's terrifying. All in all, recovery is about finding oneself again. Call now and speak to one of our highly trained admission specialists today. Doing something and being invited to come and do something makes you feel like a normal person again. Tell them that they're good at those little things. It might not seem applicable to the situation in your eyes, but it can always be helpful. Because although hanging on the sofa with a tub of ice cream seems like the perfect night in for you, for someone recovering even a small bite can be a struggle. We want to validate just how trying the experience of suffering from an eating disorder is while at the same time letting clients know that they are making positive strides in the right direction. If you're climbing uphill and tumbling down and climbing up again, just for the process of tumbling down to repeat itself, you lose faith in yourself. Eating disorders root deep inside someone. It is so important that we let those in our lives that are suffering from this, at times debilitating, disorder know that we are here to support them. Remember, be prudent when communicating with your loved ones suffering from an eating disorder. A Word From Verywell. Talk about that, laugh and exchange stories. Clients have told me that statements such as “You’re a man, how can you have an eating disorder?” or “You’re too old to care that much about how you look!” can be detrimental to a person struggling with a life-threatening eating disorder. “Oh wow, you ate { a lot | too little } today.” You would think this would be a given, but when I was in eating disorder recovery, I personally heard both ends of … This is not only triggering to the client but also may make them believe that their eating disorder was a positive tool, and one that they should continue to use. Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting.”. Yes, they have an eating disorder and are in recovery. It’s not always easy to discuss eating concerns, especially with someone you are close to. It causes people to want to hide, and avoid even the people they love. It's going to be worth it when the day comes that they walk up to you to ask if you fancy one of their home made cupcakes and you both delve into one. Telling someone with an eating disorder to "just eat," is like saying to someone with a broken leg to "just walk." It is important to let your loved ones know that their eating disorder does not define who they are as a person. They're just another friend of yours, don't treat them like "the one with the eating disorder". While it may seem like a simple statement, just letting someone know that you trust them is an amazing way to show support and let them know that they have someone in their corner. By knowing the right things to say and those that should be avoided we can help our loved ones fight these illnesses. Everyone needs to talk to someone sometimes. Choose a caring environment 3. Resting seems quite an obvious thing, doesn't it? NEDA suggests, for example, “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.”. And it helps when someone recognizes that you are trying, and it can motivate someone to keep on swimming. The constant “voice” of the eating disorder, or the disordered thoughts, need to be counteracted and rationalised. Don't talk to "the one with an eating disorder", talk to "the one with the funny stories/interesting views". Or fill out this form for a FREE assessment. We don't need you to understand. Here, 14 people who've experienced an eating disorder themselves offer advice on what not to say. Recovering is extremely tiring, it takes the life out of you. As a parent, there are many things you can do to support your childs eating disorder recoveryeven if they are still resisting treatment. Company limited by guarantee no 2368495. Give advice that has been helpful to you. And you don't understand an eating disorder just because you dieted for a month to lose weight. Avoid accusatory “you” statements like “you need to eat something” or “you have to stop making yourself sick.”. When people hear that I have an eating disorder, they usually don’t know what to say. What Not to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder This Holiday Season. It doesn’t have to feel that way. And yes, we know it's getting a bit repetitive and boring. ". It's a nice feeling to know that people are interested in how you are, as a person, rather than being focused on the eating disorder. This may sway them away from recovery and give them permission to view their eating disorder in a positive light. Everyone deserves a full recovery. Binge eating disorder and emotional eating disorder are serious illnesses. “You look terrible.” It is wise not to comment on the appearance of a person who is suffering from an eating disorder. This is especially true for those struggling with an eating disorder. Remember that this conversation likely feels very threatening to someone with an eating disorder. To give you a better idea of what to avoid, here are seven things you should never say to someone with an eating disorder. This site uses cookies. And then someone comes along and tells you how healthy and full of life you look and for some reason it makes the nagging a little stronger. Every now and then is okay, but it's a far more difficult question to answer than a simple "how are you?". They're exhausted and need a friend, not a critic. During times of stress, the eating difficulties may be more likely to return. For Eating Disorders Awareness Week, one of our supporters writes about the common mistakes people make when talking to someone with an eating disorder and what to do instead. “You’re ruining our family.” Comments like this only causes the sufferer more guilt. Be prepared for denial and resistance. Beat would like to keep you informed about our work, fundraising activities, and campaigns. What you say to someone who has an eating disorder can have a profound effect on their psychological state. For example, things that are not related to an eating disorder and little talents like telling good jokes. You feel like you can't do it anymore. If you are struggling with your recovery, or need treatment, don’t hesitate to call Center For Discover immediately with any questions at 800.760.3934. But the same fears, the same struggles come up again and again. You feel like you can't do anything. Know they are needing help. It’s normal to want to help someone with an eating disorder, but it’s crucial you approach it in the right way. From my personal experience, here are some things that you shouldn’t say to someone with an Eating Disorder (ED): Don’t tell someone they are too fat to have an ED. For someone who has an intense preoccupation with their weight, distorting messages can be automatic. It's just that most of us forget that sometimes, and being told that it's okay to take a rest can make the difference between feeling absolutely shattered or guilty, and feeling ready to take on another challenging day. Complete Security Check to Submit. This will just upset them and make them feel more frustrated … While we may not be able to understand their struggle we can still offer support and a listening ear during their recovery. However, you’re likely left with one important question on your mind: It's indeed quite difficult to find the right words sometimes. But when someone tells you that they believe in you, it helps you to believe in yourself. Rather than shaming them, encourage the person to seek professional help from a therapist, psychiatrist, or nutritionist -- preferably one who specializes in eating disorders. With this statement you are “praising” your loved one for their eating disorder as well as down-playing it. Dont take it personally. Keep me updated with important News and Events from Center For Discovery This is a hard one because as an outsider looking in, we may see someone at a “healthy” weight and perceive them as being fixed or cured. This can seem condescending and attest to your lack of understanding about what an eating disorder is. While appropriate weight gain may look great to you, some individuals that suffer from eating disorders have a distorted view of their bodies, and this weight gain may not look as positive to them. Beat (formerly Eating Disorders Association) is a registered charity in England and Wales (no 801343) and Scotland (SC039309). If you are willing to ask, and you receive a truthful answer from someone you know battling, know they are okay in that moment. The more you know, the … ", "I'm here for you and I'm not going to leave. Someone has an eating disorder, no one is an eating disorder. What Not to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder More For a person struggling with anorexia, bulimia or binge eating , certain compliments, comments or words of … While there are certain things you can and even should say to a loved one struggling with an eating disorder, perhaps even more important to note is what you should stay away from saying. 10. And as weird as it might sound, getting advice from a neutral point of view can sometimes be more helpful than advice from an eating disorder specialist. ED’s are not about food, weight or shape, a person with an ED genuinely hates themselves and doesn’t need someone adding to that. I sometimes feel the need to apologize for making the other person uncomfortable. By clicking submit, I acknowledge that I have read and understand the Privacy Policy, By clicking submit, I acknowledge that I have read and understand the Privacy Policy, Patient, Family & Staff Safety is our Priority: COVID-19, https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/what-to-say-when-someone-has-an-eating-disorder/. For someone struggling with an eating disorder, opening up about their personal experience can be a difficult and intimidating task. And with that, you need to find your way around life again. It’s important to understand a few things: Visual appearance bears no weight to an eating disorder These illnesses are just that – an illness. Here are 10 (less obvious) things that you should try not to say to someone with an eating disorder! Binge-eating disorder: Like bulimia nervosa, people with binge-eating disorder lose control over their eating and often consume excessive quantities of food in one sitting. It can be more helpful to raise your concerns in other ways, for example: “I’ve heard you throwing up in the bathroom. Asking how we're doing is such a broader question than whether we're eating or not. Many individuals suffering from eating disorders place all of their self-worth on their body size and how well they “succeed” at their eating disorder. Just like the example discussed above, try to sway the conversation away from physical appearance and more towards complimenting the person as a whole. Treat him or her like a normal person. Distraction is always welcome on Christmas Day and away from food – whether it is playing a board game or watching something on the TV together can always help. Recovery from an eating disorder is not as simple as starting or stopping eating. And knowing that someone is there for us to listen, to find distraction or just to talk to about random things; it all means more than you could ever imagine. Don’t equate weight or eating for that matter, with health. ‘Christmas is only one day – hold on in there!’ Yes, and as patronising as this sounds. Engage your loved one in activities that you enjoy doing together. You don't want to trigger someone, but at the same time you want to let them know that you care and you really want to say something, but what do you say? Part of them may want to get better, while the other part might be very scared about giving up the eating disorder. They are so much more than their eating disorder. Don't make a big thing out of it. You Don’t Look Like You Have An Eating Disorder. If you have a feeling that someone close to you has an eating disorder, please talk to them. It can be a challenge to convince someone in recovery that they look good, so the smaller the compliment the more likely it is to be accepted. Nothing could top the words love and care. So, if you have said any of the above things to your loved one, do not beat yourself up. How ignorant can you get? Now this is quite an important one. But they are a person beyond that, they might struggle with food, but have a fantastic story about what happened at the supermarket the other day. Avoid compliments about someone's body, focus on other things. Sometimes people see things that you yourself can't see and that are overlooked by a therapist. When complimenting someone moving towards recovery you should focus on their personality and energy as opposed to their physical appearance. Don't judge what you haven't experienced. What NOT to Say to Someone With an Eating Disorder. However, you are doing a great thing by looking for more information; many individuals now in recovery from an eating disorder say the support of family and friends was crucial to them getting well. Sometimes what may feel like the right thing, may actually be causing more harm. We understand that everyone’s situation is unique, and this content is to provide an overall understanding of eating disorders. We all need someone there sometimes. If this happens, try to remain calm, focused, and respectful. Recovery is possible and having the proper support from friends and family is the first step. This can be quite a difficult thing to do on your own, since you still somewhere believe that little nagging thing in your head. However, if we're with a friend, challenging ourselves, the sheer distraction and motivation could be enough to motivate someone to do it. This blog is for informational purposes only and should not be a substitute for medical advice. 1. All calls are completely FREE and strictly confidential. Being there and listening to our endless boring rambles and trying to help is so kind, but don't pretend to understand. Doesn ’ t equate weight or eating for that matter, with health,... 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